


Clandestine Meetings and Stolen Stares

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Forbidden Love, M/M, Pre-Canon, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: They tell themselves it’s fine, that they can stop whenever they want. The moment it’s too much… or perhaps the moment it isn’t enough anymore… they’ll end it, simple as that.Both of them pretend they believe that.---a Jalec secret/forbidden relationship AU
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	Clandestine Meetings and Stolen Stares

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miss_Shiva_Adler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/gifts).



> Heavily inspired by the lyrics to "Illicit Affairs" by Taylor Swift, because how could I not be.

Alec makes his way to the rooftop in a black hoodie, hood up, the cord pulled tight under his chin for optimal face obscuring. When he opens and shuts the door he’s greeted by the melodic sound of laughter.

“You look like you came here to rob me,” Jace says between slowed-down chuckles.

“I didn’t want anyone to recognize me,” Alec says. “That’s the point of this, right?” This, of course, being the rooftop and the pre-dawn hour because the surprising kiss they shared in the training room the night before was too risky to repeat.

Jace shakes his head. “You’re 6’3” and the son of the head of the Institute, I don’t think a hood is really the world-class disguise you're hoping for,” he points out.

“Yeah, well, I told Hodge I was going out for a run, so…” Alec trails off.

Jace smiles, that confident, knowing grin of his that draws Alec in every time without fail. “Well then, let’s give you a workout.”

No one says a word when he shows up to the Ops Room an hour later, hair damp, cheeks flushed, and legs still a little bit weak.

\---

It always starts in public.

A pin that lasts a moment too long in the training room, Jace unable to help himself from watching the way Alec’s face looks like it belongs on the wall of the Louvre the way the light filtering in from the stained glass above them colors the skin of his cheeks, his neck, his lips…

A brief glide of fingertips, Alec’s hand sneaking out to brush against Jace’s as partners switch on a crowded ballroom floor during one of Idris’ yearly galas, with all of the major families front and center while the quartet plays and traditions are upheld…

A secret smile from across the bar at the Hunter’s Moon, with enough noise and distractions and drunken half-closed eyes for anyone to notice Jace mouthing the word ‘alley?’, or Alec’s subtle nod, or the way Jace leaves out the front door without a word to anyone while Alec lingers to down the rest of his beer before slipping out the side door…

It always ends in private.

In some barely-used storage room in the basement of the Institute.

Behind the tall bushes of the garden outside.

Against the dirty bricks of a dark alley or behind a car in a sparsely lit parking lot.

They hate it as much as they love it. The sneaking around is equal parts thrill and risk from day one - neither of them can afford to get caught, for word about their relationship to get out. It might be the end of every dream, every aspiration that Alec has, and it would certainly be the end of the Lightwoods taking in and caring for Jace.

They tell themselves it’s fine, that they can stop whenever they want. The moment it’s too much… or perhaps the moment it isn’t _enough_ anymore… they’ll end it, simple as that.

Both of them pretend they believe that. It’s the only way they can justify going on the way they are.

\---

All it takes is a glance from Jace and Alec’s ready and willing to follow him anywhere. He trusts Jace with his life, and sometimes it feels like that’s what’s at stake here. If he loses this, if he loses _Jace_ , he isn’t just losing some meaningless hookup.

Alec wonders if Jace feels the same. He says he does, on the nights they risk lingering in one of their beds, all gentle touches and whispered promises and laughter that ghosts across bare skin, and in those moments Alec believes him.

Alec wants to believe him every other moment, but sometimes it’s difficult to when he sees how easily Jace flirts with the girls in their training classes, or ignores Alec’s presence entirely during debriefings with Clave officials, or makes some careless joke at Alec’s expense at the family dinner.

All it took was a single glance at the start of it all for Alec to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jace is it for him. Alec feels a connection that somehow manages to go above and beyond that of their parabatai bond alone... but time and time again, during the millions of moments in-between the ones they keep for themselves, that certainty starts to fade.

It never takes much to build back up, though.

“Happy birthday, Alec,” Jace says, handing over the small box. The smile on Alec’s face tenses slightly, and for a second he doubts that Jace would know where to draw the line between a gift that can be opened here in front of everyone and a gift that might be too private, too intimate… but Jace flashes him a confident, reassuring smile, and gives a little nod. Alec’s own smile eases at that small reassurance.

Alec unwraps it, the hint of something poignant reaching his nose once the wrapping paper is off. It’s a smell Alec recognizes immediately, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders with the feelings of comfort and warmth and protection he associates with the scent of the cologne in his hands.

Izzy laughs from beside Alec. “Alec doesn’t _wear_ cologne,” she points out.

“Exactly,” Jace says with a matter-of-fact tone. “And he never will unless someone gives it to him.” It’s a valid point - nice clothes, cologne, things like that aren’t things Alec thinks about on his own and doesn’t bother with unless they’re gifted to him. This isn’t just any cologne, though - it’s _Jace’s_ brand of cologne.

At first, the gift _does_ feel too private. All Alec can think of is how often he’d let the smell - Jace’s smell - linger on him. He thinks of how he likes to let it cling to his clothes, on his skin, and in his hair for as long as he can before having to wash it away or cover it up, and--

_Oh._

A slight flush tinges high on Alec’s cheekbones as the realization hits him, Jace’s grin widening with smug satisfaction as he watches Alec piece it together. If they wear the same cologne then it won’t be suspicious when Alec shows up to a morning meeting or a patrol smelling like it. He won’t _have_ to wash it away, won’t have to hide it.

“It’s perfect,” Alec tells him. _You’re perfect_ , he wishes he could say.

“Glad you like it,” Jace says, still grinning. “You’ll have to try some on later.”

Alec catches the implication and smiles back.

\---

Jace means every word he says to Alec. He always has, and he always will, but sometimes words just aren’t enough. The rush and the high of their secret rendezvous were fine for a while, but Jace wants more. He needs more. And, quite honestly, he isn’t sure how Alec isn’t feeling the same frustrations. 

Stolen stares can only hold them over for so long, and eventually, Jace brings up the idea of going public. The fact that Alec immediately looks like he’s about to faint at the mere suggestion of it tells him how this talk is going to go, but they have it anyway. In the end, they both accept that what they have can’t be something open and public, not right now and possibly not ever. And if that’s the case then it can’t be _all_ Jace has - people are already starting to ask why he keeps turning down all the cute girls who flirt with him and if he keeps on like this people will start to talk. Worse, they’ll start to _pry_.

That is, unless he does something about it first.

So Jace starts hooking up with other people. He meets girls at Downworlder parties and The Hunter’s Moon or even from his training classes at the Institute or trips to Idris. They don’t mean anything to him, not the way Alec does. He loves Alec, loves him so much it _scares_ him sometimes, and at the end of the day, that love will overpower anything else. Jace means it when he says the girls are only to keep up appearances and he tries his best to show it to Alec when he’s the only one Jace keeps coming back to. Jace takes care to reassure Alec that everyone else in the world is replaceable, they’re disposable, but not him. Not Alec.

He says he’s only doing it for them, as a cover so they can keep what they have, but a part of him starts to realize that isn’t entirely true. He needs this bit of normalcy - he enjoys dates at diners and drinks at the Hunter’s Moon, he wants affection where others can see, where it’s validated and acknowledged, where he can show it off.

It quickly turns into a nearly constant reminder of what he and Alec might never have - something simple and carefree and fun - but he can’t stop now. He lies not just to Alec but also to himself when he swears it means nothing to him. He pretends not to see the way Alec flinches from across the room when Jace kisses his current fling goodbye before a mission, acting like he doesn’t notice the way Alec avoids him the rest of the day. 

Alec will be fine, and so will he. They have to be. 

\---

There are days Alec wants to walk away from it all; days he thinks he’s strong enough to.

Today is not one of those days.

Today Alec thinks he might fall apart if it weren’t for the promise of sneaking up to Jace’s room to have his parabatai hold the pieces of him together for a few hours after a long, miserable afternoon and a patrol gone wrong. Alec clings to the hope of feeling whole again, if only for a night.

Alec knocks before he hears the female voice, followed quickly by some giggling and the shuffle of footsteps approaching too fast for Alec to turn around before the door cracks open. Jace looks surprised to see him. Of course he is, they didn’t have plans tonight. This was an impulse, a need Alec normally wouldn’t allow himself to cave to and now he remembers why.

The sight of Millie, the cute transfer from the London Institute, half-hidden under Jace’s sheets is enough to make Alec’s stomach churn. He knows he has no right to the tears in his wide eyes or the sting of betrayal that Jace isn’t there and waiting for him when he needs him, but that doesn’t stop them both from happening anyway.

Alec quickly backs out into the hallway with a mumbled, “Sorry, nevermind.”

Jace catches up with Alec before he can make it back to his own room. Jace always was faster than him Alec thinks with a strange detachment. “Alec!” Alec doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn around to look. They’re alone in the long hallway and Jace is close enough to say in a low voice, “Wait, babe, _please_ -”

Alec stops then, only to turn around and whisper harshly, “Don’t call me that.”

“Alec-”

“I think there’s someone else waiting to be your ‘ _babe’_ tonight. Wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.” Alec regrets his reaction the moment Jace winces and takes a step back. Alec knows the deal. He agreed to it. He understands why Jace does what he does but that doesn’t stop it from hurting like hell to watch from the sidelines sometimes. Okay, _all_ of the time.

“Are you alright?” Jace asks finally. “You were upset when you showed up. _Before_ you saw Millie,” he adds before Alec can play it off as only that. Alec curses Jace for knowing him so well.

“I’m fine,” Alec lies. “Just a long day. I should get some rest.”

With that, he turns and leaves. He isn’t sure if Jace says anything to him as he walks away, his thoughts are so loud that everything inside his head sounds like white noise, overwhelming his senses and drowning everything else out.

Alec doesn’t think he can do this any longer. It isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair to Jace. He knew when this started that it wouldn’t last forever. There were a few moments he allowed himself to hope, half-convinced that the possibility lingered just out of reach… but that’s where it remained. Out of reach.

Once he gets to his room Alec falls back onto his bed and considers the very real option of calling things off once and for all. He knows that if he does Jace won’t fight him on it… he wonders how much Jace will even care. Alec wishes he were stronger, strong enough to live with nothing more than the clandestine meetings in empty rooms and abandoned spaces; if that’s all he’ll ever be allowed at least it’s better than nothing.

The thought of losing what he has completely, even if it hurts sometimes, is always what stops his thoughts dead in their tracks.

Except for this time. This time, Alec isn’t sure he can keep watching Jace flirt and kiss and leave with other people, with girls he barely knows, and Alec’s tempted to burn everything he’s worked so hard to build to the ground if it means that could be him in their place, even _once_. To be able to turn to Jace as they stand side-by-side in the Ops Center and give his hand a comforting squeeze before a speech, to kiss him goodbye before a patrol, to leave the bar _with_ him, arms wrapped around waists and not caring who sees...

It’s all Alec’s ever wanted and all he knows he’ll never have.

The problem is that he knows no one will ever be able to replace Jace. They have an understanding that runs soul-deep, communicating through glances, nods, and the most subtle of movements that convey more than words could ever hope to: a secret language just for them. Things are duller when Jace isn’t around - like the light drains from the room, like there are colors that only exist for him. For _them_.

Alec curses Jace for being everything he needs, but never when he needs it most.

A knock on his door breaks Alec from his thoughts. He shouldn’t answer it. Not with how on edge he feels, confused and full of misplaced anger. There’s another knock, followed by a soft, “Please let me in.”

Dammit.

Alec opens the door and anything he planned on saying goes out the window. All of his frustrations and bold declarations die before they ever reach his lips at the sight of Jace, breathing strained, worry etched into the lines on his face.

“You deserve so much more than I can give you,” Jace says without preamble. “So much more than we can have here.”

Alec’s heart skips a beat and time seems to slow. Is this it? Is Jace finally doing what Alec can’t and ending things between them?

Jace only falls silent, his gaze unable to meet Alec’s, and Alec realizes they’re in the same position. They both know what they _should_ do, and neither can bring themselves to be the one to do it.

“Right now I don’t care what I deserve. I’ll take what I can get,” Alec admits, wondering if the words sound as desperate as he feels right then.

Alec knows he’s a mess. He’s a goddamn fool if he thinks this is going to end in anything other than heartbreak.

He tries not to think about it as he reaches out to grab Jace’s t-shirt in his fist and pull him inside, shutting, locking, and silencing the door behind them.

\---

They talk about the future knowing talk is all it’ll ever be. Nothing changes. Nothing _can_ change. They have traditions to uphold, rules to follow, expectations to live up to.

They also have wants, needs, and desires that no one else can satisfy. They have a world that only makes sense when they’re together and a love that burns so intensely it threatens to consume them time and time again.

Maybe one day it will, a million little ruinations adding up over time. Until then they’ll keep what comfort they have and hold it close.

Until then they’ll hold onto each other.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
